AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH we’re half way there (Jesus I wish)… OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Living on the prayer… that Coach Motherfucking Steve will be stuck down by Zeus himself!
Well here we are dear listener, Sunday, Weigh-day, the day I find out if this gruelling journey will be worth it or whether I should lie down and die now.
Before we begin however, I’d like to revisit yesterday’s blog about that fucking pizza. Now, any change in diet is going to cause…. Fluctuations… in ones digestive game. I was not, however, prepared for last night. Being the gent that I am, I got the wife a pizza like mine and we both ate at the same time. What followed was distressing. Any night where the dogs don’t want to get up on the bed because they’re scared is not a good night. Long story short, both I and Lady Chunkenbery have been quite poorly as a result of that pizza. There was nothing else we both ate and with both had the same… problems.
This made the visit of thundercunt even less welcome. Today was TABATA, TABATHA, TATTIES, fuck knows. An exercise, done for 20 seconds, with a 10 second break, 8 times. Then 8 different exercises. Hurt like a bitch. I actually thought Coach Cockgobbler was a little less annoying for the first 10 min, but he soon found his demonic stride. Also, I notice we’ve dropped from 5 minions to 4 in the cult of Coach Steve. Did the bird at the back left die? Get Sacrificed? Get rescued by Daniel Craig in a tuxedo? I’m on to you fuckers and I’ll stop you and protect this country… GOD SAVE MR QUEEN!
Anyway, that’s not what today is about. Today is about seeing the evidence. So, at 9am (same as last week) I stood scantily clad on the scales. Well damn! I moved the scales and tried again. Same. I moved them into a different room… in case the gravity was different in the bathroom I guess (?!). The god damn same!
I’ve lost 3.7kg… 8lb 1oz… in a week
To put that into some perspective, my amazing nephew was born, healthy and bouncing (why do you bounce new born babies) at 7lb 9oz…. good work sis… I’VE LOST MORE THAN A FUCKING BABY!
As much as I hate to admit this, but this looks like it might actually work. I know Krystal from Birmingham said 3-4 lb in your first week was good. I believe Debra from Stoke-on-Trent doing the W one was quoting the same sort of numbers. This loss is incredible. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still miserable, sore and liable to eat any slow moving children I find… but there might be a point to this.
Now I know some of you out there, the complete asshats that, like to neigh say and probably watch goat porn, are going to tell me that the first week is always the biggest lost because you’re still shatting out the crap you ate before you started. Well I know that dickhead, and that’s why I’m not going mega crazy, I expect this to level off real soon and plateau to, if I’m lucky, 1kg a week. Still, let me have my moment of glory, shitbag!
In other news, I’m experiencing early onset menu fatigue. Lemon and Herb anything is really losing its appear fast and I’m really craving pasta…. And square sausage (Squig) for some reason… hey maybe I AM pregnant. I’ll solider on for now, but I might need to get creative without changing nutritional content a lot sooner than expected.
The other serious challenge I’m facing is Thursday. I’ve got to go to a conference all day. That means no hot water for breakfast porridge and no microwave for rice pot. This diet seriously depends on both of these and I’ll be in fat-filled London with a hunger and a credit card. I’ll probably just take my fruit allowance and snack for the day and try and fight through it. It’s going to hurt.
Oh, and one final insult. The wife didn’t try the god awful roasted peas last week so, to share my agony, I opened the free ones I got this week. Salt and vinegar flavour. Guess what, they’re not actually that bad. Fuckingcuntybollocks! Have re-sealed the packet and will revisit these in the future, just in case I was delirious with hunger at the time
90 Days in Purgatory 